A Thank You, Heavenly Christmas
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: Not your everyday Christmas special. It's BETTER.
1. Part 1

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day

SEASON 1

EPISODE 6

Airdate: December 16, 2012

Title: A Thank You, Heavenly Christmas

Homage To Classic TV: None (Jonas Brothers performance instead)

Special Guest Stars: The Jonas Brothers as Themselves, Sean Astin as Col. Newman, Chris Rock as The Narrator, Lemmy Kilmister as Snow Dog #1, Rob Paulsen as Snow Dog #2, Brodus Clay as Himself

Satire: Commercialism of Christmas

("Christmas In Hollis" by Run-DMC plays in the background)

(It is December 20. Christmas is just five days away. There isn't a whole lot of snow because it's Seattle, but it's still snowing nonetheless. You could see red, green, and white all over. Dozens of churchgoers are on their way for a special evening sermon. There is a kid who puts up a sign on his front door that reads: "December 21-We Start Our Freaking Vacation!" Since he doesn't know how to decorate, that's the most he could do. RK walks by, stares up at the snow, and continues to walk. He is dressed the exact same way Run was in the music video for "Christmas In Hollis", and begins a monologue. We don't see him physically, just a voiceover.)

RK: In less than 24 hours, we begin our vacation for the greatest time of year. The holidays. They're officially upon us. It seems like only last year Mom was cooking chicken and collard greens, rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese, and Santa was putting gifts under Christmas trees. Yeah, I referenced Run-DMC. What? Are you gonna stop me? Kick my arse? Anyway, this year's Christmas is important to me. Because 2012 has been the year from hell. And who's to blame? None other than President Barack Obama. I'm not going to sit here and tell you all the events of this year. I'll save that for December 31. (passes by synagogue that just came off a Hanukkah celebration) Ever since Obama beat the greatest Republican in the past 20 years in Mitt Romney, things have taken a turn for the worse. (RK drops several copies of _The Seattle Times_ on the sidewalk. Each of them has a different headline. The first one discusses the Kevin Clash sex scandal, with the headline reading: "Clash Accused Of Underage Sex, Quits Sesame Street") One of the most beloved children's characters now has a tainted reputation, thanks to his puppeteer. Obama could've stopped him. He simply chose not to. (RK drops the next one. This one discusses Hostess Brands, Inc. going out of business, with the headline reading: "Twinkies Can Survive Nuclear Disasters, But NOT Bankruptcy!") The Hostess company shut down. Obama, that monster, couldn't even save one Ding-Dong. (RK drops the third one. This one discusses the breakup of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, with the headline reading: "Le Biebs and Selener Call It Quits") The cutest celebrity couple ends it all. Obama didn't even care enough to make it right. Now Bieber thinks he can date Victoria's Secret models and get away with it. She doesn't look that bad. (RK drops the fourth one. This one discusses the debut of Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, and Roman Reigns, when they appeared at WWE Survivor Series and attacked Ryback, with the headline reading: "NXT Three Strips Away Ryback's Feast") Three assholes beat up the most dominant force in WWE today. Obama couldn't even give them a warning. (RK drops the fifth, and last, one. This one discusses the murder-suicide of Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher, with the headline reading: "Belcher Shoots Girlfriend To Death, Then Himself!") And now we live in a world where people aren't even safe in training facilities. (RK walks away into the night as the camera pans to the sky) This Christmas, we can all forget about Democrats and their carelessness for society. We can all forget about…..

(music stops as record scratches)

SPARKY: That's enough, RK! Stop ripping on Obama for things he couldn't do anything about!

RK: All these horrible things ironically happened after Obama regained power. And you sat there and voted for him!

(Sparky sighs. We then see a graphic in the sky that says, "A Thank You, Heavenly Christmas.")

(jingle bells ring as we see Sparky's house)

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky and RK are watching the Poinsettia Bowl on ESPN. BYU is playing San Diego State. RK still has that outfit on.)

SPARKY: How much did you pay for that anyway?

RK: $3,000.

SPARKY: $3,000?! For that stupid outfit?

RK: Hey, I LIKE this outfit, and I'm getting my money's worth!

SPARKY: Whatever.

RK: What's up your ass?

SPARKY: Nothing, I just get a little cynical around the holidays.

RK: Good thing you're not Wade. He always gets annoyed. His eggnog has alcohol in it or the tree doesn't have any popcorn…..

SPARKY: It's a good thing we can keep each other sane, RK. Wade hates college football, and Buster always gets depressed when Christmas and New Year's hits.

RK: Can you blame him? His mother comes home every year without his dad because they're divorced. We all have BOTH of our parents; Buster doesn't.

SPARKY: It sucks, man. I wonder what happened to Buster's dad. Only Buster and his mom know and they won't tell us.

RK: I don't know. There's a rumor that Buster's dad was part of World War II.

SPARKY: No, that's wrong. He was part of the Vietnam War.

RK: What?! No way. He was going to be a part of Vietnam, but the anti-war movement and "War" by Edwin Starr caused him to renounce his faith in the whole thing.

SPARKY: Where'd you hear that story?

RK: Will.

SPARKY: Will still thinks Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana are two different people!

RK: They are! Cyrus and Hannah went to Hawaii in January 2011. Cyrus was supposed to be watching Hannah because she can't swim, but Cyrus was too busy smoking marijuana and she drowned!

(Sparky buries his head in his cushion)

(from Sparky's room) BITCH CLOCK: HE WAS IN IRAQ, YOU DUMBASSES! THE MAN IS 34 YEARS OLD, HE WAS BORN ON SEPTEMBER 5, 1978!

RK: How do you know that?

BITCH CLOCK: I'M AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC ALARM CLOCK! I KNOW EVERYTHING! SPARKY, MAKE ME SOME GOD-DAMN EGGNOG! AND PUT EXTRA SMIRNOFF ICED CAKE VODKA IN IT! I WANT TO PUKE IN MY DREAMS!

SPARKY: Bitch Clock, I'm not going shopping for Christmas refreshments until Saturday. I told you that!

(long pause)

BITCH CLOCK: Mother (bleep)!

(Sparky has a bored look on his face as he and RK go back to watching the game, but RK is somewhat shaken by what just happened.)

RK: So, can you tell me again why your alarm clock can talk?

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Classroom

Seattle, Washington

After the series finale of iCarly on November 23, the school unveiled a large bronze statue outside the entrance of the five main characters (Carly, Sam, Freddie, Spencer, and Gibby). The camera shifts from the statue to the inside of Ms. Swift's classroom. The kids are having a Socratic seminar. They were split into two seminar groups, and have their own partner. One's a good speaker; the other's uncomfortable at speaking or bad at it. Sparky is Buster's partner, while Wade is RK's. Buster and RK are in the second group. The seminar discussion: Should football (American) be an Olympic sport?

BUSTER: I honestly believe American football should be an Olympic sport. It's popular all over the world.

WILL: I don't agree. Last time I checked, there wasn't much of a global reach for it.

MANNY: You could argue that, but everyone loves American football in Puerto Rico. In Latin America, people go nuts for the NFL. And once you count out those dirty Dominicans, it becomes a better group.

(Manny smiles while a kid wearing a Jose Reyes jersey from the 2009 World Baseball Classic stares at him angrily)

(RK is on his iPhone playing _Subway Surfers_ when everyone stares at him, waiting for him to go. He somehow has the ability to know when he's being stared at so he looks up.)

RK: What?

MS. SWIFT: RK, we're all waiting for you to speak. And put your phone away, you know we have zero tolerance for electronics.

(RK realizes he lost)

RK: The train hit me? (talks like black girl) Damn! You guys owe me 8,000 points I could've gotten!

MS. SWIFT: RK, we're waiting for your opinion. Do you think American football should be an Olympic sport?

(long pause)

RK: What are the Olympics?

BUSTER: RK, I want to go home.

RK: Oh yeah, I saw the London Games this summer. Michael Phelps kicked ass!

MS. SWIFT: RK, that's not the point. Just agree or disagree on football being a part of the Olympics.

RK: OK, football kicks ass. The Olympics kick ass. I have to say yes. I'll be able to see my favorite team, the Atlanta Falcons, dominate everyone else all summer long. FUTURE SUPER BOWL XLVII CHAMPIONS!

TRAVIS: That's not how Olympic sports work, asshole.

MS. SWIFT: Travis, watch your language.

TRAVIS: Sorry, Ms. Swift. Anyway, Olympic sports don't work like that.

RK: Of course they do. All 32 NFL teams, in 2016, would go to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil for the Olympics and compete round-robin style based on division. Then there will be only two teams left, one from the AFC and one from the NFC.

WADE: Is this life?

RK: At the end, the winner gets a gold medal and the loser gets silver. There's also a third-place game. It follows the FIFA World Cup format.

BUSTER: Good Gandhi.

TRAVIS: Dumbass, the Olympics are an international competition! Therefore, players from all countries form national teams and compete against each other. And there's no possible way that could happen because outside of America, the NFL is mostly unpopular.

HALLEY: What are you talking about? The NFL plays in London every year, and the Buffalo Bills go to Toronto every year also.

BUSTER: Exactly.

TRAVIS: This guy doesn't even know where he's getting his shit from!

RK: Yes I do. I found out on _3-2-1 Contact_.

TRAVIS: _3-2-1 Contact_? Dude, that show ran from 1980-1988. On PBS. And they never taught anything like that, you (bleep) retard!

MS. SWIFT: Travis, please leave the classroom.

TRAVIS: _3-2-1 Contact _my ass.

(leaves classroom)

RK: I guess he never watched it.

(bell rings as "This Christmas" by Chris Brown plays in the background)

MS. SWIFT: Well, enjoy your vacation, class. No homework until 2013!

(class cheers as they pack up and leave for the holidays)

MS. SWIFT: Travis, I need to talk to you.

TRAVIS: About what?

MS. SWIFT: A lot of things, Travis. A lot of things.

(classroom door closes as kids say good-bye to each other)

SPARKY: Wow. It's amazing. In less than three weeks, the year will be over.

RK: Well, at least we have three holidays and a whole lot of bowl games to help us celebrate.

(monotone) WADE: Right.

BUSTER: Yeah, it should be a blast. For you guys.

SPARKY: Ah, Buster. Don't do it again.

BUSTER: Why shouldn't I? Every year, all your parents come for Christmas and you're all one big happy family again. RK already has a brother and a pet cat. Now he's gonna get a mom and dad too!

WADE: Buster, don't be selfish. Think of all the people that don't have a family to celebrate Christmas with.

SPARKY: Yeah, I don't think having an alarm clock that abuses you every day counts as a family member.

RK: Seriously, why does it talk again?

BUSTER: You guys just don't know how hard it is for me. My mom tries hard, but she's just attempting to fill my dad's role. Last time I celebrated Christmas with both my parents was 2003. Guys, that was nine years ago.

(none of the boys understand what the problem is)

RK: Go on.

(monotone with bored look on face) BUSTER: I was born….in 2003.

(the boys finally understand)

SPARKY, RK, AND WADE: OHHHHHH!

RK: It's a paradox.

BUSTER: Don't worry, guys. I'll still celebrate the holidays. Hell, I'll even watch the bowl games. But on Christmas Day, I'm holing myself in my condo with my mom and LPC, ordering candy cane-peppermint pizza, and watching _Olive The Other Reindeer_.

SPARKY: But you hate that movie.

BUSTER: I know. I'll be at your house to help you decorate tomorrow, Sparks. (sighs) Woe is me.

(Buster leaves with his head down)

KAILY: Happy holidays, Buster.

BUSTER: Yeah, what's so happy about them?

(Buster walks out the door)

KAILY: Oh well. (sees the boys) Happy holidays, guys.

SPARKY, RK, AND WADE: Happy holidays.

WADE: Dude, Buster's really lost it now.

SPARKY: I know. All year, he's been mad about Kaily. And the one time she shows him attention, he doesn't reciprocate.

RK: I never liked her that much anyway.

SPARKY: RK, this is serious! We need to stop Buster from having another crappy Christmas. If we don't, this cycle could affect him for years, even into adulthood.

RK: I do NOT want to see that.

(We cut away to a gag in the future. The kids are 60 years older. They're at Buster's house, trying to cheer him up.)

SPARKY: Come on Buster, you crazy old fool! It's Christmas.

BUSTER: So what? It's been 69 years since my dad left me.

WADE: Ah, put a sock in it, ya son of a BITCH! You've spent 68 Christmases wallowing in despair.

BUSTER: Then let me wallow.

SPARKY: RK, you old BAT, cheer Buster up!

RK: What?

SPARKY: Cheer Buster UP!

RK: What?

WADE: Put on your damn hearing aid!

(RK puts on hearing aid)

RK: OK. I hear ya. Did you say something about root beer?

SPARKY: No, we told you to cheer Buster up!

RK: Buster, it's been 69 years and you still do things to my balls like no other man!

BUSTER: I told ya, you can't even keep a job, that's why we never DATED!

WADE: So you're a homo now?

BUSTER: Just leave me alone. (sings "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge sadly)

(Sparky slowly leaves the scene on his walker, and trips on the rug, injuring him)

We cut away to the present.

RK: You know, you could talk to me about root beer sometimes, Sparky.

SPARKY: Meet me at my house tonight, boys. I've got a plan.

(Sparky leaves while RK and Wade stare at each other)

SCENE 3

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky, RK, and Wade are coming up with ways to make Buster have a great Christmas.

RK: How about we make a BIG stripper cake?

(long pause)

WADE: What?!

RK: A big one, like the ones men have at bachelor parties. We can ask Kaily to be the stripper, and on Christmas Day, we give it to Buster as a present from all of us. Aw man, he'll be SO stoked!

SPARKY: RK, Kaily doesn't like Buster that way. And even if she did, I doubt she'd willingly show that much skin.

RK: Look I hate the kid, I'm just throwing that hat into the ring, you know?

WADE: What about taking Buster to a homeless shelter, to show him the true meaning of Christmas?

RK: Wade, that's a capital idea! (high-fives Wade) But wait, on the other hand, I don't want to be called a Cliché Conflict Resolution Kevin.

SPARKY: RK's right. And after last year, I'm never taking Buster to a homeless shelter again. Ever again.

(We cut away to a flashback at last year's Christmas. The boys and their families are volunteering at the local homeless shelter. They brought food, drinks, and new clothes for the people less fortunate. Sparky is spearheading the operation.)

MRS. NEWMAN: This was a wonderful idea you had, Sparky.

MRS. MACDOUGAL: Well, our little man loves to help out.

SPARKY: He sure does.

OLD BLACK MAN: Excuse me? May I have some more of that delicious eggnog?

RK: Why, certainly.

(RK realizes the eggnog is missing)

RK: Where's the eggnog?

(Buster is mixing it with AriZona Grapeade. Unfortunately, that was the last batch of eggnog they had.)

BUSTER: Damn, this is tasty! Guys, did you know that if you mix regular grape AriZona and regular non-alcoholic eggnog together, it makes awesome grape nog?

(Everyone stares at Buster angrily. He seems to know what he did.)

BUSTER: You guys can't prove I touched that kid!

(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: BUSTER!

Cut away to the present.

WADE: On second thought, homeless shelters are better saved for Thanksgiving and Presidents' Day.

RK: What if we write an anonymous letter to Santa talking about how miserable Buster is and that we want his dad to come for Christmas?

SPARKY: RK, Santa isn't real. You know that already.

WADE: Besides, you want people calling you an Anonymous Andy?

RK: No way!

SPARKY: OK. We need to find a way to get Buster's dad here.

WADE: How? No one knows where he is, and the only people that do know are keeping their mouths shut. For all we know, he could be dead.

RK: I've got a plan.

SPARKY: What kind of plan?

RK: An awesome plan.

WADE: What plan?

RK: A genius plan.

SPARKY AND WADE: RK, WHAT PLAN?!

RK: An awesome genius plan. A plan so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

(long pause)

SPARKY: So you're not gonna tell us, are you? Apparently, you have your own agenda and mindset, and you don't want to expose that because that's your prerogative?

RK: Basically, yeah.

WADE: Can't you at least give us an idea?

RK: Let's just say, on Christmas Day, Buster will get his way. And he'll be so grateful, he'll be all over me. I might even get a mistletoe kiss.

WADE: Just make sure I'm not in the room for THAT.

SPARKY: Hey RK, you want to watch the Beef O' Brady's Bowl? Ball State is playing Central Florida.

RK: SCORE! Central Florida's my third-favorite C-USA team, right behind Tulsa and Rice.

WADE: I'm out. See you guys at the mall tomorrow.

SPARKY AND RK: See ya.

(Wade walks out the door, while Sparky and RK sit down to enjoy the game)

RK: Wasn't _Spirited Away _terrible and disturbing?

(rapid-fire) SPARKY: Yes, you're the only one who understands!

SCENE 4

Pacific Place

Interior Main Plaza (or Santa's Workshop)

Seattle, Washington

("Greatest Time Of Year" by Aly & AJ plays over the mall loudspeakers)

The boys are out to help get Sparky decorations. As they do every year, however, the rest of Testicular Sound Express goes to sit on Santa's lap. Sparky's gotten started on his own.

WADE: I hope they finish soon. I NEED to make sure I get the brand of popcorn I want.

BUSTER: Why put popcorn on trees? People talk about giving back, and they contradict themselves by wasting food? No class.

WADE: Buster, popcorn on Christmas trees is a tradition. Ever since the early 20th century, people have used it. But it's not just limited to that. Apples, nuts, and marzipan cookies can also be used as Christmas tree decorations.

BUSTER: Look, buddy boy, I came here to sit on Santa's lap and help Sparky get decorations. If I wanted a history lesson, I'd just call Ms. Jones or something.

WADE: Fine by me.

RK: Isn't it great how Santa Claus visits our mall every year over the other malls in America? What about New York? (turns to face camera) (BLEEP) YOU BUMS! (puts up middle finger) HAHAHAHAHAHA!

WADE: RK, do you still believe Santa is real?

RK: Of course not. I'm just getting in the spirit of the whole thing. That's what Christmas is all about, Wade.

BUSTER: Thank you, RK. You see….

RK: You're welcome, sweetheart.

(five-second pause)

BUSTER: You see Wade, the difference with you and the rest of us is that you're too pessimistic. Just like Eeyore.

We cut away to a _Winnie The Pooh _gag, directly ripped from _Family Guy_.

POOH: Come on Eeyore, let's go play.

EEYORE: I don't want to.

POOH: I know you want to teach Piglet how to dance.

EEYORE: I'd much rather take a sledgehammer and bash his sorry skull. Now THAT'S Hammer Time.

POOH: Why are you always in…such a bad mood?

EEYORE: I have a nail in my anus.

POOH: Oh.

Back to reality.

WADE: At least I'm not wallowing in my clothes about the fact I only have one parent coming for Christmas.

RK: Wade…..

WADE: See you guys later.

BUSTER: Dude, what the hell? Where are you going?

WADE: I think I found out the truth about Christmas.

(Wade leaves the line)

RK: At least we have each other.

BUSTER: You want your bells jingled?

(RK backs away)

About 25 minutes later and the boys are almost at the front.

("One Thing" by One Direction plays over the mall loudspeakers)

BUSTER: Wow, we're making great time. Usually these things take hours.

RK: Well, as soon as Wade left, things picked up amazingly. I just don't think he's the Christmas type.

BUSTER: Neither am I. That's a family thing.

RK: Buster, can't you be happy you actually have family coming over?

BUSTER: No. Christmas just isn't Christmas without my dad. And it'll never be.

(RK puts his head down)

MANNY: Hey, guys!

RK: Manny!

BUSTER: And Will! You guys were in the back of us the whole time?

MANNY: Yeah, but we were extra quiet.

WILL: That's why people say I'm like O.J. when it comes to escaping.

RK: Hey, if someone says that to you again, just tell them to shut the (bleep) up about that.

WILL: OK, cool.

MANNY: Isn't it rad how Santa comes to our mall every year instead of all the others?

RK: I know, like who are we?

BUSTER: Dear Lord.

RK: You're getting in the spirit of Christmas too by saying that?

MANNY: What do you mean?

RK: You know, that's not really Santa.

MANNY: Of course it is. That man should come to Puerto Rico. We'll give him a medal hollowed out of a chocolate coin for his accomplishments.

BUSTER: Manny, Santa isn't real.

MANNY: You're kidding, right?

WILL: Come on, Manny. The guy can somehow fly around the world in one night, deliver presents and coal to kids who are naughty or nice, fit his fat ass through a chimney, has magic reindeer, a workshop filled with elves, and lives in the coldest place this side of the Earth? That sounded crazy to me when I was five.

BUSTER: Isn't Antarctica the coldest place on Earth?

WILL: I said THIS side of the Earth.

BUSTER: Oh.

MANNY: Why would our parents lie about that?

RK: Because they're manipulative bastards.

SANTA CLAUS: Next kid!

WILL: You're up, Busts.

BUSTER: I am? Oh, I'm so unprepared. I didn't even come up with my opening line.

RK: Just say, "Hey Santa."

BUSTER: "Hey Santa." BRILLIANT!

(Buster clears throat, takes a gulp, and runs into Santa's arms)

BUSTER: SANTA!

SANTA CLAUS: Whoa, you're a very excited kid!

BUSTER: You bet I am.

SANTA CLAUS: What do you want for Christmas?

(sadly) BUSTER: My dad.

MANNY: What is Buster talking about? People can't be presents.

(RK and Will just stare at Manny with a bored expression)

SANTA CLAUS: That's it?

BUSTER: Hmmmm. Maybe not. I want a Slurpee machine, a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll that's been checked for STDs (winks at the camera), Taylor Swift's _Red _album, WrestleMania XXVIII on Blu-Ray, a Furby, The Beats by Dr. Dre, a Mountain Dew Voltage, and a chance to slap Drake in his (bleep) face!

WILL: Oh no, he didn't.

SANTA CLAUS: Wow, now that's an awesome Christmas list!

BUSTER: Thank you, Santa. Took me six hours to come up with anything other than drinks.

SANTA CLAUS: Merry Christmas, little boy!

(Buster walks back to the others)

BUSTER: That went well.

SANTA CLAUS: Next kid!

(Manny cuts in front of RK)

RK: What…Manny, it's my turn! MANNY?!

(Manny simply stares at Santa, then puts up the finger)

MANNY: (BLEEP) YOU, SANTA! AND (BLEEP) CHRISTMAS! You guys all should know Santa isn't real! He isn't REAL!

BILLY: Mommy, that kid just flipped Santa off.

MOM: Let that be a reminder never to take drugs, Billy.

MANNY: I'm out this joint!

WILL: Manny, you're my ride!

(Manny pretends not to hear and keeps walking)

WILL: He's lucky I have my bus pass.

SCENE 5

The MacDougal Household

Seattle, Washington

Interior Living Room

(RK is watching TV)

ANNOUNCER: We now return to _Rudolph: Behind The Blow_.

ANNOUNCER #2: In 1997, Rudolph's health was deteriorating at a rapid pace. It was revealed that he had a malignant tumor, the base of which was located deep within his brain. He died on November 8 that same year, hoping to deliver a 33rd year of service as Santa's lead reindeer. It was revealed the tumor itself made Rudolph's nose red.

MRS. RUDOLPH: My husband was a fighter, and that's what people never knew about him. He fought hard against injustice and that's what I always want people to know.

BLITZBERG: I honestly don't care that Rudolph died and never will care. He took my damn job. Santa was about to make ME lead reindeer and this retard comes with his red nose and takes my job. I think Santa was Anti-Semitic. Just because I'm Jewish, I'm not one of Santa's reindeer. Well, look who's alive? Huh? THE JEW IS STILL (BLEEP) ALIVE!

SPARKY: Come on RK, time to decorate.

RK: Sweet.

SPARKY: You're still not gonna tell me or Wade your genius plan, are you?

RK: Nope. Just that you won't be seeing me or Buster until Christmas Day. Or Christmas Eve, depending on how things go.

SPARKY: Fine, I'll look the other way and let you carry on with your plan because you have YOUR prerogative, and I have mine. Take a candy cane.

(RK catches the candy cane)

("Beautiful Christmas" by Big Time Rush plays in the background)

(There is a montage of the boys helping decorate Sparky's house for Christmas. If you're wondering why that's the case, he's the leader of the group. That's all I'm going to say. For some reason, Wade stops.)

WADE: I'm out.

(music stops as record scratches)

BUSTER: Didn't you hear the music, Wade? It's not done yet!

WADE: I don't care. I am NOT celebrating Christmas. The last thing I'll do is be commercialized any longer.

RK: Wade, we really don't need another storyline, so…

WADE: No, we do! Every day, I walk by and see parents buy things they can't afford for their kids, and then they become broke before the New Year. There was a mom that took out a second mortgage JUST so her daughter could get a Kindle Fire. A SECOND MORTGAGE!

(long pause)

RK: What happened to the first one?

SPARKY: Wade, if you're not gonna celebrate Christmas, what ARE you going to celebrate?

WADE: Something that the media can't FORCE me into celebrating. A holiday that celebrates yourself instead of consumerism.

BUSTER: What would that be?

(puts on coat and takes a pause) WADE: Kwanzaa! (slams door)

RK: So Wade's celebrating Kwanzaa this year. Eh, it was bound to happen.

BUSTER: I'm out too.

SPARKY: Buster, we're losing ANOTHER member of the decorating team?

BUSTER: Unfortunately, yes. I'm going to make up my own holiday just like Wade, so I won't have to worry about my stupid dad not coming for Christmas.

SPARKY: Buster, Kwanzaa's a real holiday.

BUSTER: Really?

RK: Yeah. It was invented for African-Americans by Dr. Maulana Karenga in 1966.

BUSTER: No wonder I didn't know it was real. Only one race can celebrate it! See you tomorrow.

RK: I would say that's racist, but a white guy celebrating Kwanzaa…..just isn't right.

SPARKY: RK, I don't know what your genius plan is, but you better put it into action ASAP no Rocky. Because I'm sick and tired of all this constant moping! The song isn't even done yet!

RK: Don't worry, Sparky. I've got you covered. As for the song….

(the rest of "Beautiful Christmas" plays as RK mouths the final words)

RK: We can make a beautiful Christmas!

(Sparky just has an angry stare)

SCENE 6

The Newman Condominium

Seattle, Washington

Interior Buster's Bedroom

(Buster is about to go to sleep. As he fixes his bed, he wonders aloud about the made-up holiday ideas he's created.)

BUSTER: OK, so far I've come up with eight holidays I could celebrate on Christmas Day. I like Drink Day, but my Mom just doesn't get excited over SONIC Drive-In like I do. I could celebrate Superhero Day. You know, that Black Widow costume just wouldn't do me right.

(LPC meows. He somehow knows what Buster's saying, and Buster knows what LPC's saying.)

BUSTER: I know I could choose one of the Avengers. Maybe I just WANT to be Black Widow.

(LPC meows)

BUSTER: It's not gay! (turns his back to LPC, then forward again) What do you think about Welcome Back, Kotter Day?

(LPC meows disgustedly)

BUSTER: Come in, it's the greatest TV show in the history of the 1970s! I could be Horshack. (imitates Horshack) Ooh-ooh-oooh! Or maybe I'm better suited for Washington. (imitates Washington) Mister Kot-taire, Mister Kot-taire…

(LPC blankly stares at Buster, not understanding what his owner just did)

BUSTER: You know what, just for that, you're Barbarino! Hate Barbarino. (Buster notices a shadow behind him. It's RK on his windowsill, dressed as Mysterion. From this point forward, RK is speaking just like Mysterion.)

RK: Buster, don't be afraid. I'm here to help you.

BUSTER: Who the (bleep) are you?

RK: I'm an angel sent here from thousands of galaxies away. I know all about your father.

BUSTER: You do?

RK: Definitely. I know everything. We're going to locate your dad together. And once we do, your Christmas will be saved. And Sparky, Wade and I will stop being so agitated.

(takes a minute to realize who it is) BUSTER: RK!

(realizes he gave himself away, but still speaking like Mysterion) RK: Yeah, what's up?

BUSTER: I don't need your help, RK. Anybody's help. I'm inventing my own holiday.

RK: Yeah, I'm sure Welcome Back, Kotter Day puts Jesus' birthday to shame.

BUSTER: (Bleep) you, man!

RK: Hey, I'm trying to help YOU here, dude. Now tell me where your father is so we can bring him back here. We all know you know.

BUSTER: Yeah, I do. But there's a reason I don't tell you.

RK: Why not?

BUSTER: Because if he really wanted to see me, he would've come here his own God-damned self!

RK: Stop using the Lord's name in vain, Kyle.

BUSTER: MY NAME'S NOT KYLE!

RK: Sorry, I'm really getting into character. What you're doing is wrong, Buster. I bet your dad wants nothing more but to see you. Maybe something's keeping him from coming here.

BUSTER: Well, maybe or maybe not. But it doesn't matter. He'll come if he wants to.

RK: Hell no. I did not pay $500 for this just to turn back now. Tell me where your father is, Buster.

BUSTER: NO!

RK: Well, I guess I have no choice to do this. Keep in mind, I can keep this going for two hours straight.

(RK pulls down his pants and shakes his penis around)

BUSTER: Jesus, that's a nasty visual!

RK: Unless you tell me where your dad is, Buster, you'll be seeing this all night.

BUSTER: Fine, I'll tell you. Turning around doesn't help matters. He lives in Vancouver and works part-time as a comedian across Canada. He gave me his schedule in case I want to see him, but I burned it.

RK: Son of a bitch. Do you remember any shows he put there?

BUSTER: Actually, I memorized the whole schedule before burning it in case someone asked me that. He's playing the Laugh Riot over in Calgary on Monday. The hotel he's staying at is the Marriott on 110 9th Avenue Southeast downtown.

RK: You Cliché Conflict Resolution Kevin. We can go there now!

BUSTER: To Calgary? Hell no!

RK: Buster, you need to see your dad. And when you're hurting, I do too. Because my heart burns for you. Like Nicki Minaj burns for Mariah Carey to attack her. (pause) Wait, we don't have a clip?

CAMERAMAN: No.

RK: Well, let's just forget that was even said.

BUSTER: You know what? You're right, RK/Mysterion. Time for me to see my father.

RK: Excellent. Pack a duffel bag, snacks, and toiletries. This is going to be a long one.

BUSTER: Sounds like a plan. Hold on a second, you paid $500 for THAT?

RK: Of course I did. Pretty cool, huh?

BUSTER: That's insane. $500 for that stupid costume?

(drops Mysterion voice) RK: Well, I like the damn costume, and I'll wear it if I want, so SCREW YOURSELF!

(long pause)

(goes back to Mysterion voice) RK: Sorry, I flew off the handle there. Actually, I'm so poor I can't do that so I went Greyhound off the handle.

BUSTER: It's OK.

RK: Yeah, that wasn't the right thing to say. (long pause) Screw yourself.

(Buster's eyes widen)

SCENE 7

The Westbury Condominium

Exterior Street

Seattle, Washington

(Buster is putting his duffel bag into RK's car. He switched out of his pajamas into his normal clothes. RK also switched into his normal clothes and packed his Mysterion costume in his duffel bag.)

(still speaking like Mysterion) RK: So, are we ready to go?

BUSTER: Could you stop talking like that?

(goes back to normal voice) RK: Sorry, I'm still in transition. OK, so driving from Seattle to Calgary will take us approximately….. (checks Google Earth app on iPad) 11 hours, 42 minutes.

BUSTER: Dude, it's 10: 25 PM right now. At this rate, we'll be in Calgary 10: 07 AM tomorrow?

RK: Basically, yeah. Driving cross-country is complicated stuff, babe. We need to take the Trans-Canada Highway just so you know.

BUSTER: Well, this is for my father. I'm gonna take that risk.

(Buster closes car door. For anyone wondering, the car has a roof.)

BUSTER: Oh yeah RK? I really want to thank you for doing this. You're a true friend.

RK: The pleasure's all mine, Buster. Love is powerful.

BUSTER: Right….

RK: OK, well let's go! (starts car engine and drives)

BUSTER: Did you leave the notes?

RK: Yep. One on your door and one on mine.

BUSTER: Cool. Did you bring the CDs?

RK: Did I bring the CDs? Buster, DJ MC RK is always prepared.

We cut away to a scene from _The Backyardigans_.

AUSTIN: You never know what's gonna happen in a race; that's why I always like to be prepared.

RK: Stupid Nick Jr. So what do you want to listen to?

BUSTER: "Goodnight and Goodbye" by The Jonas Brothers. It's fitting.

RK: Amazing. I was just about to put in the album CD.

BUSTER: Well, who's the Cliché Conflict Resolution Kevin NOW?

RK: I'm not a Cliché Conflict Resolution Kevin. I'm a Coincidence Chris at best.

BUSTER: OK then.

(RK chooses "Goodnight and Goodbye" from the in-CD main menu)

RK AND BUSTER: CALGARY, HERE WE COME!

("Goodnight and Goodbye" by The Jonas Brothers plays on the car stereo as the two boys drive off)

The following takes place in an animated winter wonderland. The people performing and materials they use are not animated.

ANNOUNCER: And now, performing their version of "Frosty the Snowman," the boys from New Jersey, Nick, Joe, and Kevin. Better known as….THE JONAS BROTHERS!

(canned cheering)

KEVIN: Hey everybody.

JOE: We just want to thank you guys for watching tonight.

NICK: And wherever you are, we wish you Happy Holidays. 1-2-3-4!

(The Jonas Brothers perform a rock cover of the famous holiday hit "Frosty the Snowman." During their performance, scenes of Frosty himself are shown)

THREE MINUTES AND FORTY-FOUR SECONDS LATER….

NICK: Thank you all. You've been an awesome audience!

JOE: And we want all the folks watching at home to enjoy the rest of tonight's episode. Good luck to Buster and RK.

KEVIN: Good night, everybody!

Well, that was Part 1 of tonight's Christmas special. Keep reading for Part 2!


	2. Part 2

Now it's time for Part 2 of our Christmas special!

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

(KG comes in, humming "No Strings Attached" by *NSYNC.)

KG: Wow, Christmas is two days away. (takes out tape recorder) Note to self: Buy more cinnamon for my world-famous holiday cookies. Roger that, Mr. Jennings. (puts tape recorder back inside robe pocket)

(KG notices a strange note taped to the refrigerator.)

KG: What the (bleep)?

(The note is from RK, who was doing his Mysterion shtick while writing it. That would explain why the paper has green and purple question marks on the spots with no words.)

(voiceover, speaking as Mysterion) RK: Good morning, KG. I'm assuming you're reading the note. Anyway, I took Buster with me to Calgary to find his father. He knows everything about his dad, but decided to shun him and expect his dad to come himself. Clearly something's keeping Buster's father from coming here, so we're coming to him instead. I need to do this, KG. Angels help other people. And I can't stand to see Buster, the love of my life, in pain. Also, did you know Wade's celebrating Kwanzaa? It's weird I know. Some kind of commercialist menstrual thing or whatever.

KG: Oh my god. That damn bastard!

(Sparky rings the doorbell. The ringtone is "Good King Wenceslas," a popular Christmas carol.)

(KG opens the door and Sparky comes in)

SPARKY: Have you seen this? HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?!

KG: Yes, I have "seen this." RK took Buster to Canada?!

SPARKY: Exactly. EXACTLY! What will his parents think? When are they coming?

KG: In three hours.

(KG and Sparky simply stare at each other, then realize what was just said)

KG AND SPARKY: THREE HOURS?!

(Wade comes through the open door, which shouldn't have been kept open to begin with, wearing a kente.)

WADE: RK and Buster went to Canada!

KG AND SPARKY: We know.

SPARKY: Wade, what in God's name are you wearing?

WADE: A kente, the traditional cloth of the Akan people. They wear it during important events and hold it in high regard.

KG: Speaking of which, why are you celebrating Kwanzaa anyway? It seems like you're just trying to create a new storyline.

CAMERAMAN: We're filming.

KG: I'm not RK!

CAMERAMAN: Gotcha.

WADE: I'm not trying to create anything. I'm celebrating Kwanzaa because it represents the self-determination, creativity, faith, and unity of African-Americans everywhere, amongst other things. We look at Christmas and believe in something that isn't real just to appease our children. Besides, I'm tired of being commercialized by this capitalistic nation's mindless consumerism.

KG: Do you carry a pocket dictionary with you at all times, or is it just hereditary to act like such an asshole?

(close-up and monotone) WADE: Hereditary.

SPARKY: Wade, this doesn't make any sense. Once you look past all the gift-giving and holiday specials and seasonal songs and consumerism, you should really like Christmas. It has such a rich history.

WADE: What rich history?

SPARKY: It's Jesus' birthday for one. Duh!

WADE: No one knows for sure when Jesus was born, Sparky. Christmas is just correlated to the birth of Christ because it marked the start of the winter solstice, and the trend was most likely started by the Babylonians.

(under his breath) KG: God knows.

(monotone) WADE: KG, God isn't a person. He's a mystical being of omnipotence.

KG: Once again, is that REALLY hereditary?

(monotone) WADE: Just be glad you're not a Saltalamacchia, KG. You wouldn't last very long.

(KG is now offended)

SPARKY: Wade, this just doesn't add up. Christians believe in something that may or may not be real, but you don't chastise them.

WADE: Jesus was a prophet, Sparko. (the word "prophet" appears on the screen _Martha Speaks_-style) A prophet is someone who actually lived on Earth and spread teachings about their religion. So why would I chastise something that's real?

KG: He's got a point.

SPARKY: Can we just move on to the next scene, please? I'm defeated now.

KG: You too?

WADE: But, of course.

SCENE 9

Marriott Hotel

Exterior Entrance

Calgary, Alberta, Canada

(It is now 10: 15 AM. Buster and RK are finally in Calgary and ready to find Col. Newman.)

RK: Buster? Buster? Wake up, Buster. We're here!

BUSTER: We're here? In Calgary?

RK: Yes we are.

(imitating Daniel Bryan) BUSTER: YES! YES! YESSS!

RK: He doesn't say that anymore.

BUSTER: Who cares? I still say it.

(Buster and RK walk into the hotel. "Mistletoe" by Justin Bieber is playing in the lobby.)

BUSTER: OK, so how do we attack this?

RK: Well, I was thinking we ask the nice slice of apple pie working the front desk. Man, she's something.

(Buster sees the woman. She's blonde and looks 20-something.)

BUSTER: Damn, let's ask her right now. Being bisexual is awesome, isn't it RK?

RK: You know it. I please everybody.

BUSTER: You sound like a whore.

RK: I know.

(RK and Buster walk up to the front desk)

LADY: Hello, welcome to the Marriott. My name is Christine. May I help you today?

CHRIS ROCK: RK thought of saying this…

RK: Of course you can help us, you dumb broad! That's the whole reason we're here! Do you think we drove all the way from Seattle just to say hello? Of course you do. Now stuff those hot knockers into this (bleep) martini glass for my amusement, skank!

(Christine, Buster, and the people in the lobby are horrified)

CHRIS ROCK: But instead, he played it cool and said this….

(smirking) RK: In more ways than one.

(after staring at RK) BUSTER: We're here to find out the room for Col. Rusty Newman. We heard he's staying here.

CHRISTINE: All day. And tomorrow as well. Then he leaves on Christmas for a matinee in Winnipeg.

(excited) BUSTER: So do you know?

CHRISTINE: Yes I do. Room 14G.

BUSTER: You hear that, RK? (the two high-five)

CHRISTINE: Unfortunately, he's out to lunch. He'll be back within the next half-hour.

BUSTER: Great. Can we wait here?

CHRISTINE: Certainly.

(the two go to sit down)

CHRISTINE: Excuse me, but are you two terrorists? Or paid assassins?

RK: Lady, we're nine years old.

CHRISTINE: Right. Sorry.

(the two give Christine a bored look, and go to sit down)

RK: The dumb blonde stereotype has never been furthered more.

BUSTER: Amen to that.

SCENE 10

The Neighborhood

Exterior Sidewalk

Seattle, Washington

(Travis is sitting on his porch, talking to his girlfriend Carla.)

TRAVIS: Hey, what's up, Carla? My little Value Meal with fries on wings? Anyway, I'd just like to know when I should come over on Tuesday. What do you mean your parents hate me? But I'm funny. Remember that "meet the boyfriend" dinner? Yeah, I won them over with my impressions, especially my Mr. Magoo. (imitating Mr. Magoo) Oh, Waldo! Oh. So they were just pitying me? Well, that sucks. What do you mean my Mr. Spacely wasn't angry enough? It WAS angry. (imitating Mr. Spacely) Jetson, GET IN HERE! OK, I see how it is. You still owe me a mistletoe kiss. And a New Year's kiss. OK, bye. Love you, Carla. (imitating Bullwinkle) And Bullwinkle loves you too! Girl, you're so sweet to me. (hangs up) (Bleep) bitch. My Mr. Spacely was angry enough.

MANNY: Maybe Santa is real. They just don't want me to know.

TRAVIS: Hey, spick. What's up your ass?

MANNY: I'm Puerto Rican, chica! And save your racist jokes for the Dominicans! Anyway, I just found out Santa Claus doesn't exist.

TRAVIS: Who told you that?

MANNY: Will. At the mall yesterday.

(Travis gets a lightbulb idea, but the lightbulb cracks)

TRAVIS: Manuel, let me tell you a secret. Will was just kidding you. Santa IS real. It was just some stupid Christmas joke.

MANNY: Really? Santa exists?

TRAVIS: Of course he does. But Will just wanted you not to know the awful truth.

MANNY: What truth?

TRAVIS: That Santa isn't who you think he is. (jumps off porch and starts walking around) You see, there's no way Santa could travel around the world in one night delivering presents, candy and coal, right?

MANNY: 'Course he can. With his flying magic reindeer.

TRAVIS: WRONG! Santa takes drugs, man. Pure cold hard steroids. His reindeer do as well. Nobody is ever able or even allowed to see him in their home. That's why he hasn't been arrested yet.

MANNY: That makes sense.

TRAVIS: In reality, Santa is a bloodthirsty killer with an insatiable thirst for mutilation. That's why he decimates the milk and cookies.

MANNY: Of course! Not even my dad could do that, and he nearly beat Joey Chestnut in Coney Island this summer!

TRAVIS: Bingo. Also, if kids ever see him, he kills you where you stand. With guns, knives, BB belts. Whatever he's equipped with. That's why kids are NEVER allowed to see him.

(frightened) MANNY: What about the corpse?

TRAVIS: He removes the organs with the help of his elves at the North Pole, replaces them with Build-A-Bear stuffing and pixie dust, and turns YOU into an elf. The combination of stuffing and pixie dust as new organs gives you dwarfism. Why do you think all the elves look the same?

MANNY: Magic and love?

TRAVIS: Nope. Santa. Claus.

MANNY: How do you know all that?

TRAVIS: I found out…..on _3-2-1 Contact_.

MANNY: OH MY GOD! Travis, thank you SO much for the tip. I'VE GOT TO SAVE MY FAMILY FROM SANTA!

(Manny runs away)

TRAVIS: Any time, Manny. (chuckles) What a (bleep) asshole.

SCENE 11

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky's parents are on their way. Sparky has his ugliest Christmas sweater on. He appears to be talking to somebody.

SPARKY: Look, now I know this is the first time my parents are going to meet you guys. And I know that during the holidays, tempers can flare. But my mom and dad are loving people, and I think you're going to love them just as much. So put on your best smile and get ready for your OFFICIAL initiation into the clan….of MacDougals!

(long pause)

BITCH CLOCK: Why should we give two shits about meeting your ugly parents?

SPARKY: Bitch Clock, this is important. Your attitude today could affect the rest of my mom and dad's stay here.

BITCH CLOCK: Why are they just getting to know me anyway?

SPARKY: Because for years, they've known you as a nice little angel and nothing more. Today, they find out who you really are: A bitch.

BITCH CLOCK: I can just pretend to be nice.

SPARKY: No way, Bitch Clock. My parents can spot a phony a mile away. Like Holden Caulfield.

We cut away to Holden at a restaurant. His buddy Kato is coming back from the bathroom.

HOLDEN: You ate my fry.

KATO: What are you talking about?

HOLDEN: When I was in the bathroom, there was one French fry on my plate. When I came back, there were none.

KATO: That doesn't prove anything.

HOLDEN: You have French fry stuck between your teeth.

KATO: I do? Where? (checks for leftover French fry with finger)

HOLDEN: Actually, I was just making that up.

KATO: Damn. I'm no match for you, Holden.

HOLDEN: That's right, Kato. Because I'm the realest mother (bleep) er you'll ever meet.

Back to reality.

(doorbell rings)

SPARKY: I wonder who that could be….

BITCH CLOCK: Kill me now.

(Santa's Little Helper meows and gets his claws ready)

BITCH CLOCK: Not literally. You scare me.

(Sparky opens door)

SPARKY: Mama! Papa!

MRS. MACDOUGAL: Son!

MR. MACDOUGAL: Sparkmeister!

(the three hug all around)

MRS. MACDOUGAL: It looks like you've done a wonderful job decorating, Sparky.

SPARKY: Well, thanks, Mom. I go to work.

THE REJ3CTZ: I do my Cat Daddy!

MR. MACDOUGAL: Hey, who's this little fella? (referring to Santa's Little Helper)

SPARKY: Oh, that's my cat, Santa's Little Helper. We call him SLH for short.

MRS. MACDOUGAL: Hello, Parker Lewis. Nice to see you again.

BITCH CLOCK: It's Bitch Clock now, bitch.

(The MacDougals are genuinely startled)

SPARKY: Yeah, he's…..done some heroin.

MR. MACDOUGAL: A little too much.

SCENE 12

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and KG's parents have arrived. And yes, they've found out RK went north of the border with Buster.

MRS. JENNINGS: Ryan's in Canada! How did this happen?

KG: I have no idea. I was asleep!

MR. JENNINGS: I can't believe this. Did he take that Mysterion costume with him?

MRS. JENNINGS: Gerald!

MR. JENNINGS: It makes him look like a fag!

KG: Dad, do you know who Wanda Sykes is?

MR. JENNINGS: Yeah. I love _Back At The Barnyard_.

KG: Do you know about those anti-homophobe PSAs she did?

MR. JENNINGS: No.

KG: You should watch one on YouTube.

MR. JENNINGS: OK then.

MRS. JENNINGS: Kevin, have you even tried calling Ryan?

KG: Yes, like nine times!

MRS. JENNINGS: Call him again, please. (KG dials RK's number)

MR. JENNINGS: Nice Christmas tree.

KG: Thanks. It's a Guatemalan fur.

MR. JENNINGS: Sweet.

We cut to RK and Buster in Calgary. They're talking up a storm as "Christmas Is Starting Now" by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy plays in the lobby.

BUSTER: I don't get it. Why do victims of bullying commit suicide?

RK: They have no choice, Buster. They're picked on relentlessly by all these kids, and they have no choice.

BUSTER: Name five people who've committed suicide because of bullying. I want to know if there's a correlation.

RK: Ryan Hanigan, Megan Meier, Tyler Clementi, Phoebe Prince, and most recently, Amanda Todd. They call it bullycide.

BUSTER: Hey, I get beaten by some kids, and it hurts now. But I'm not gonna sit there and kill myself by jumping off the Space Needle.

RK: I think there's more to it than that, Buster.

(pause)

BUSTER: Not really.

(RK has a bored expression, but it instantly changes when he hears his phone ring. RK's ringtone is "Cult Of Personality" by Living Colour.)

RK: Yello.

Half the screen is devoted to KG, the other half devoted to RK.

KG: RK, why the (bleep) would you go to Calgary?!

RK: I'm trying to help Buster reconcile with his estranged patriarch.

KG: Are you carrying a pocket dictionary?

RK: Yes.

KG: RK, why couldn't you just tell me? I would've understood you helping Buster.

RK: You never listen to anything. Remember the time you bought Toaster Strudel?

We cut away to a gag where KG is eating Toaster Strudel. He seems disappointed by it.

KG: Hmmmm. This breakfast is quite underwhelming.

(carrying a cup of coffee and a copy of _The Seattle Times_) RK: I told you to buy Pop-Tarts, but YOU wanted to try new things. (walks away)

(long pause)

(puts up finger to camera) KG: (Bleep) Pillsbury.

Back to reality.

KG: OK, you're right about that. But come on man, do better than leave a Mysterion note.

RK: I WANT TO BE A SUPERHERO WHEN I GROW UP!

KG: That's not a real job.

RK: You're not a real job.

KG: Look, are you going to be back in town for Christmas?

BUSTER: We'll be there with jingle bells on!

KG: That's nice to hear, Buster. Good luck with your dad.

BUSTER: Thanks. RK's gonna help me.

RK: You bet that fine ass I am. Bye, KG.

KG: Bye, RK. (hangs up)

MRS. JENNINGS: What do we do now until my baby comes back?

KG: Let's go to Sparky's house. That's always where the action is.

MR. JENNINGS: This year, I take Ed down in the arm-wrestling contest.

MRS. JENNINGS: He's got pythons and you've got gummy worms.

MR. JENNINGS: I've been working out!

Back to Calgary.

BUSTER: Dude, it's been more than an hour and my dad still isn't here.

RK: Maybe he came back and we didn't know. We WERE asleep for a bit. Let's check his room.

(RK and Buster head for the elevator as Christine notices)

CHRISTINE: Where are you two going?

(Buster doesn't care and simply presses the "UP" button as the elevator opens)

RK: Um…back from Hell.

(the two get inside while "Back From Hell" by Run-DMC plays for about 10 seconds and fades out in a cool way)

The two are now on Col. Newman's floor.

RK: Awesome! We're here!

BUSTER: Look. 14G's over there.

(Buster can't jimmy the door open)

BUSTER: Damn, it's locked. Now I'll never see my dad.

RK: Step aside. Let Dr. Locksmith handle this patient.

(RK takes out a duck bone and unlocks the door with the bone)

BUSTER: How the (bleep) did you do that?

RK: I have a knack for picking locks. Remember that _iCarly _episode where Sam used a duck bone to unlock that door?

BUSTER: Yeah.

RK: Well, I tried it myself two weeks later and it worked. I could unlock a door with a paper clip!

(RK and Buster skulk around)

BUSTER: Where could he be? This is Room 14G.

RK: Col. Newman is very fascinating. Albums of various boy bands, including the infamous New Kids on the Block debut album (holds up album to the camera), pictures of various tattoo artists, and the two-disc Blu-Ray set of _Aerosmith: From Success To Descent, Then Mega-Success, And Then Semi-Descent_.

BUSTER: We're through. Maybe fate just doesn't want me to meet my dad.

COL. NEWMAN: Who said fate isn't just a heartless bitch?

(Buster turns around and sees Col. Newman smiling)

BUSTER: DADDY!

COL. NEWMAN: SON! I've been waiting years to hold you in my arms again!

(Buster and Col. Newman embrace each other)

RK: Wow, that's sweet. Let's see what Sparky and the rest of our cartoon pals are doing!

SCENE 13

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Everybody's at Sparky's house, including Mrs. Newman. "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" by The School Gyrls is playing on the radio.)

SPARKY: OK, everyone. I know Christmas is two days away, but there's no time too early to begin celebrating. And I realize we don't have everybody here….

(the camera pans on the Jennings and Mrs. Newman)

SPARKY: But as long as RK and Buster are here in Seattle on Christmas Eve, things will be alright. So sit back, relax, mingle, watch some holiday specials on the DVR or whatever's on, and have fun! Also, KG brought his world-famous Christmas cookies for everyone, with EXTRA cinnamon.

(the parents all scramble for the cookies, except the MacDougals and Wade)

MR. MACDOUGAL: Hey, what's this? (picks up Sparky's copy of _Lord of the Flies_)

SPARKY: That, dearest father is _Lord of the Flies. _Released in 1954 by William Golding. It WAS my ELA assignment. You know, at first I hated this book, but now I understand exactly what Golding was thinking. Two kids actually die!

MRS. MACDOUGAL: You know, I remember reading that book when I was your age, Sparky. It's amazing how kids have lost the will to read.

MR. MACDOUGAL: Well, the age we live in has changed kids. What with all their iPhones and Squinkies and Furbys and One Direction, reading's become a non-factor.

SPARKY: People still play with Furbys? Oh yeah, they're making a comeback.

MR. MACDOUGAL: At least Wade's fighting the power by celebrating Kwanzaa.

(Wade doesn't seem happy, just trying to prove a point)

MR. SALTALAMACCHIA: I just don't get it, Wade. You used to love Christmas. I remember when I got you your first dictionary four years ago.

WADE: Times have changed, Dad. I'd much rather spend my time celebrating what's right than conform to what the dominant society thinks is right.

MRS. SALTALAMACCHIA: What about YOU, Wade? Do you really think protesting Christmas is what you want to do? I mean, you spent so much money on those Kwanzaa decorations. And corn. And fruit.

WADE: Of course I do, Mom. Kwanzaa gives me a chance to define MYSELF. Not waste my time spending without thought. (yells in Sparky's direction) And at least my holiday's a whole week instead of just one day!

(Sparky and his parents are startled)

(thinking to himself) SPARKY: I need to fix Wade. I know he doesn't really want to celebrate Kwanzaa; he's just doing this to get a rise out of me. (groans) If only RK were here…

SCENE 14

Marriott Hotel

Interior Col. Newman's Room

Calgary, Alberta, Canada

RK: Col. Newman? So you didn't fight in 'Nam?

BUSTER: Dad. It's so great to see you. What happened? Where have you been all this time? How come you never give me alimony like Mom does?

COL. NEWMAN: Settle down, Buster. Take a seat. (Buster takes a seat on the bed next to RK)

(Col. Newman opens mini-fridge)

COL. NEWMAN: You guys drink beer? Vodka? Whiskey?

(the two just blankly stare)

COL. NEWMAN: That's cool. You're too young anyway. After my first sip of Budweiser on my 18th birthday, I've been crazy for alcohol. But I do it responsibly. These new dessert-flavored vodkas by Smirnoff Ice have done wonders for me.

RK: Isn't that just a gimmick to heighten the correlation between food and sex?

BUSTER: RK, stop listening to Wade.

COL. NEWMAN: That might be true, but I just jack off personally if I really have sexual pleasures. (drinks some Smirnoff Iced Cake Vodka) Now let me tell you my story, boys. It all started in 2002….

We flash back to 2002.

COL. NEWMAN: After 9/11, the U.S., naturally, went to war with Iraq.

RK: We know that already.

BUSTER: Shhhhh!

COL. NEWMAN: I was part of the Army. They were a tough, resilient bunch. I became Colonel Newman through almost 10 years of hard work and loyalty to my country. I could've ended up a general, or maybe a marshal, but that wasn't the most important thing in the world to me. Sounds crazy, I know. When we heard about Iraq, we were deployed there of course. But one night I had dinner with your mom Laura, and she said…

LAURA: I'm pregnant.

COL. NEWMAN: Not only was I peeved off because I didn't get to watch SNICK that night to go to dinner, your mom made me rethink my whole decision about the Iraq War. So I went to Marshal McCormick, and I told him…..

COL. NEWMAN: I can't do it. I can't go to Iraq. I have a family to raise. (in reality) I knew Marshal McCormick for years, ever since he was a mercenary who didn't respect anybody and was just there for the ride. Of course he rose up the ranks faster than I did, but I never resented him for it. McCormick had a big heart and actually allowed me to leave. After going through some legal stuff with the Bush Administration, I returned to Seattle with Laura. Together, we raised you, Buster.

(Col. Newman and Laura are in the hospital, having gone through Buster's birth)

BUSTER: I don't understand, Dad. It seems like you guys loved each other. What caused the divorce and your disappearance?

COL. NEWMAN: Well…Eventually, things became rocky. I wanted to go to Iraq after I took care of you for a couple months, but Laura convinced me to stay. The love we had was disappearing, and eventually I had no use for the war. Laura was too pushy and I was too unsupportive. She believed I didn't care about the family anymore.

BUSTER: So then what happened?

COL. NEWMAN: She filed a report…..for domestic abuse.

(dark music plays)

RK: Hey, I'm just throwing this out there. Could I say a couple abuse jokes?

BUSTER: RK, please don't…..

COL. NEWMAN: No, Buster, it's alright. I want to see exactly what he thinks is so funny.

RK: More appropriate than funny.

BUSTER: Well, please don't go too far.

RK: Don't worry, I won't. (clears throat) You abused your wife, Col. Newman? Who do you think you are? Jozsef Barsi or Jack Gordon? (bursts into laughter)

COL. NEWMAN: You're sick. I don't want to hear any more.

RK: No, you'll die for this next one. I mean, look Col. Newman, we all have our problems. It's OK if you take your wife to Italy and bash her head against the table repeatedly. Fine by me. (falls on the floor laughing)

BUSTER: RK, you just…you crossed the line there.

COL. NEWMAN: Look, just be quiet. OK? Be quiet and don't say anything else.

RK: OK, this next one is dynamite. DYNAMITE! So, Col. Newman, when you hear the phrase "Yep! Yep! Yep!" what does it make you do? Put gasoline on something and SET IT AFLAME? (on the verge of tears)

BUSTER: RK, I'm leaving. Dude, my ass is out right now. You just offended 10% of people watching tonight.

RK: Oh, they won't even know what I'm referring to. Look, Col. Newman, I want to apologize for my remarks earlier. When we get home, I have a cat named Mr. Tuxedo Pants that you can play with. And Buster has a cat named LPC. Just don't beat us around them; we might PLUCK OUT THEIR WHISKERS! (crying happily)

BUSTER: Alright, that's enough.

(Buster punches RK in his face, but he gets up as soon as he gets hit)

RK: Look, guys, I'm sorry. Whenever abuse is discussed, I…..I lose sight of my morals. But I'm fine, I'm fine, man. It's kewl now. It's kewl.

COL. NEWMAN: I wonder who exactly got those jokes anyway.

RK: Who knows? They were pretty dense.

BUSTER: So did you ever abuse Mom?

COL. NEWMAN: Never. She filed it as an easy way to escape the marriage. Eventually, they found no evidence that I did anything and I was acquitted. I divorced your mom a few weeks later and moved to Canada where I became a part-time comedian. I never forgot about you, Buster. But Laura never wanted me to come. Sometimes I tried, but she wouldn't let me. We've even had arguments over the phone sometimes.

BUSTER: Why did Mom never tell me?

COL. NEWMAN: She didn't want you to deal with it.

BUSTER: Well, now I know the truth. Mom tried as hard as possible to keep my own father away from me.

COL. NEWMAN: Look, Buster, the last thing I want is for you to hate your mother.

BUSTER: No, I don't. Not at all. But I'm not going back home. I want to stay here. In Calgary.

(RK seems a little confused)

BUSTER: I'll be up on the balcony. (Buster goes to the balcony, sulking. RK and Col. Newman exchange worried looks)

SCENE 15

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

MRS. JENNINGS: Laura, you've been awfully quiet. Is there a problem?

MRS. NEWMAN: Of course not. My son going to another country to find his dad and secrets he may not want to know is OK. It's not. I don't want Buster to regret this.

MR. JENNINGS: I bet he won't, Laura. That's what life is about. You see, a life without a father is like a donut.

MRS. JENNINGS: I think you should just stop, Gerald.

MRS. MACDOUGAL: So Melissa tells me you're a guitarist, KG.

KG: Yes I am. I've been playing for over two years.

MR. MACDOUGAL: You've got anything we can hear?

KG: Sure. (puts on guitar)

(KG plays guitar and sings "Who I Am" by Nick Jonas and the Administration)

KG: FOR WHO I AM!

(the adults and Sparky clap; Sparky goes over to Wade)

SPARKY: Well, I did not know that at all.

WADE: What didn't you know?

SPARKY: I just checked on my iPhone. Apparently, the original date for Christmas in Eastern Christianity was January 6.

WADE: Cool. I already know.

SPARKY: Well, bet you don't know this one. According to my iPhone, countries such as Russia, Serbia, and Ethiopia celebrate Christmas on January 7 because that's the beginning of the Gregorian calendar.

WADE: Wow. SO interesting.

(Sparky is becoming increasingly annoyed)

SPARKY: Mom, Dad, can I go out with Wade?

WADE: What?

MR. MACDOUGAL: Sure, Sparky.

(Sparky grabs Wade and takes him outside)

WADE: Where are you taking me?

SPARKY: To show you the true meaning of Christmas. Now come on!

SCENE 16

Marriott Hotel

Exterior Balcony

Calgary, Alberta, Canada

(After some initial disagreement, RK decides to talk to Buster. He goes to the balcony.)

RK: Hey? What's up? That was very interesting the way you handled that.

BUSTER: Yeah, what of it?

RK: Look, Buster, do you really think staying here is the best option? I mean, you….

(crying) BUSTER: Of course I think it's the best option! For years, I didn't have a dad. I saw you guys at Christmas every year with both your parents, and I wondered what life would be like if it wasn't just me and Mom. Well, now, I HAVE A DAD! And I find out my own mother tried to drive him away because of ego. I'm not letting anybody else take away my father. Not anymore.

RK: Buster, do you remember that speech you gave Sparky on Native American Day?

BUSTER: Yeah, how could I not?

RK: What it was about I haven't a clue. Maybe you could tell me.

BUSTER: Gladly. I told Sparko that you can't let the little things ruin holidays for you, and that they give us joy, peace, love and compassion. And they get people off their soapboxes and care about those…..

(RK has a smirk)

BUSTER: That don't have anything. RK, I just realized something. I'm an absolute hypocrite. For years, I've moped around hating Christmas because I didn't have a dad. And now that I do, it's still out of reach to have any peace. Some people don't even have any parents or siblings to celebrate the holidays with. Some don't even have a house. I mean, so what if my mom did cheat me? Big deal. It was in my best interests anyway.

RK: Your dad wants to spend the day with you and me, get to know us better. Then the three of us can leave for Seattle tomorrow.

BUSTER: He wants to come home?

RK: Yeah, Buster. He does.

BUSTER: You know what, RK? Let's rock this joint.

RK: THAT'S MY CUTIE PIE!

(Buster goes up to his dad)

BUSTER: Dad? Look, I don't give two shits about what went down with you and Mom. That's old news. I only care about the present. And the present involves you and Mom coming home every Christmas.

COL. NEWMAN: I'd love that, Buster. And hey? The entire city of Calgary is at our fingertips.

BUSTER: Let's enjoy this crazy Canadian city.

RK: Yeah. FREE PUSSY RIOT!

(Buster and Col. Newman stare at RK)

RK: Yes, I'm a fan of the movement.

("8 Days of Christmas" by Destiny's Child playing in the background)

Buster, RK, and Col. Newman are enjoying their time in Calgary. They went to get new clothes, visited the Calgary Zoo, and toured the Canada Olympic Park. The three even visited the Canada's Sports Hall of Fame. The music suddenly stops as the three stand outside the Scotiabank Saddledome. They were hoping to see a Calgary Flames game, but can't because of the NHL lockout. They look bored, but Col. Newman looks disgusted even. The music returns as the three go to the Calgary Stampede. The montage ends as Buster, RK, and Col. Newman return to the Marriott at night, with the Aurora Borealis looking down on them.

SCENE 17

The Santos Household

Interior Bathroom

Seattle, Washington

Christmas is less than two days away. Manny is figuring out a plan on how to stop Santa's reign of terror when he arrives to his house.

MANNY: I've got to save my family. Santa isn't welcome anymore. Him and his steroid-taking reindeer. The factory from Hell. And his sinister, bloodthirsty intentions. Nobody's hurting the Santos family on Christmas Eve.

("Christmas Is Creepy" by FRED playing in the background)

(Manny is doing whatever it takes to keep Santa and his crew away from his home. Even though it's close to Christmas Eve, Manny is starting early. He filled the whole chimney with cement. He put a sign near the chimney with blinking lights and tinsel all over it. In red and green paint, Manny wrote: "SANTA CLAUS IS NOT WELCOME!" Manny took a bunch of five-spice powder from his spice cabinet and dumped it all over the cookies and in the milk. According to _Bill Nye the Science Guy_, Santa is allergic to five-spice powder, chocolate milk, unless he's black in which case it's vice versa, and people without the Christmas spirit. He then wrote on a yellow Post-It using a Sharpie that said: "WARNING: DO NOT EAT OR DRINK! FOR SANTA ONLY!" There was a skull and crossbones symbol on the Post-It. Manny also set up a whole bunch of infrared booby traps on the roof, which is custom-made for Santa. In which case Kris Kringle decides to use the front door, a rope trap will have him hanging upside down and taken to the Seattle Police Department. Manny used a rope which he hung onto and pulled on it, releasing the Christmas scarecrow onto the roof. In this case, the Scare-Grinch. Manny admires his handiwork and goes inside.

MANNY: Great, now Santa can't get inside the house in any way. Christmas is saved!

MRS. SANTOS: Manuel, what's with all these booby traps and spices and rope?

MANNY: I'm saving the family from the vicious, bloodthirsty killer known as Santa Claus.

(long pause)

MRS. SANTOS: OK.

SCENE 18

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Everyone has left. Sparky's mom is reading _A Storm of Swords_. Sparky's dad is watching the episode of _Sesame Street _where Kevin Clash is giving a young boy anal sex. Sparky and Wade walk through the door. Wade's removed his kente and is dressed in his regular clothes.

SPARKY: Hello, parents.

MRS. MACDOUGAL: Where did you guys go?

SPARKY: Tell them, Wade.

WADE: We went to a homeless shelter.

SPARKY: And?

WADE: Seeing all those people…..who had nothing…made me realize what Christmas is all about. You see, Christmas isn't just about presents and cheap songs and merchandise and commercialism. It's about giving back. It's about thinking about the people who don't have what you have and helping them. We're celebrating the mystical being that knew this before anyone else did: Jesus Christ. And I realized that I was only celebrating Kwanzaa to prove a point.

MR. MACDOUGAL: That's a great lesson to learn, Wade. Looks like Sparky taught you something today.

WADE: He did, didn't he? (Wade smiles at Sparky)

SPARKY: Hey? Glad I could help.

WADE: And now I just can't wait for RK and Buster to return with Mr. Newman.

SPARKY: You think they found him?

WADE: I know they did.

SCENE 19

The Marriott

Interior Col. Newman's Room

Calgary, Alberta, Canada

(It is Christmas Eve. RK, Buster, and Col. Newman are going to leave in an hour and a half, I think. RK is first to wake up.)

(yawns, smacks lips) RK: Time for breakfast.

(An employee comes in with a whole tray of breakfast items, such as bagels, strawberries, and sausages. The song from the Philadelphia Cream Cheese "Where When" commercial starts playing in the background. RK takes a cracker, spreads it with cream cheese, and nudges Buster with it. Buster is none too amused with what's going on, and the song stops as the record scratches.)

(pause)

BUSTER: What the hell are you doing?

RK: Feeding you.

(long pause)

BUSTER: OK.

(RK feeds Buster the cracker)

BUSTER: Wow, this Philadelphia cream cheese is amazing. Are there any strawberries?

RK: Sure.

BUSTER: OK, do the same thing, but with the strawberry.

(RK takes a strawberry, puts cream cheese on the bottom of it, rolls the strawberry around Buster's lips, and feeds it to him.)

BUSTER: Man, you are GOOD! You're good, man.

RK: Well, my compliments to the chef.

BUSTER: Is there any sausage?

RK: All day.

BUSTER: OK, don't put any cream cheese on it.

(RK takes a long sausage, and simply holds it as he stares at Buster. He seems uncomfortable as he knows what'll happen next.)

BUSTER: Go ahead. Do it.

RK: I don't know if I do, and….

BUSTER: RK, it's simple. Just stick the wiener in my mouth.

RK: What?

BUSTER: Take that long wiener you have, put it in my mouth, and it'll go down my throat.

(long pause)

RK: Are you sure? Kids might be watching this.

BUSTER: I don't care! Besides, this is the closest thrill you'll ever get with me.

(long pause)

RK: Fine, I'll do it.

(RK puts sausage in Buster's mouth. Buster unnecessarily sucks it for a good five seconds, and starts chomping on it with his own two hands.)

BUSTER: Thank you, RK. You're a good friend. That was a very nice Pringles can you put in my mouth.

RK: Dude, stop it. You're doing that on purpose.

BUSTER: Oh, and this is more disturbing than your abuse jokes?

RK: Touché.

COL. NEWMAN: Wow, that was a good sleep. You guys want to eat breakfast and then we'll head for Seattle?

BUSTER: Sure.

(we skip when the three are eating and changing)

Buster, RK, and Col. Newman are on their way to Seattle. The boys have their duffel bags, while Col. Newman has all his belongings.

RK: OK, let's…What in (bleep) God's name are they doing?

BUSTER: Look at YOU using the Lord's name in vain.

RK: THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW! LOOK!

(There are four men chopping RK's car down to size with axes. They keep singing "Maddenoliday" while doing it.)

RK: HEY! GET THE HELL OUT!

MAN #1: And what if we don't?

RK: I'll use the Bud Compson Power Stare on you.

(The four men start murmuring to each other. The Bud Compson Power Stare is very lethal.)

MAN #2: Fine. We'll go. But we trashed your car already, and we'll be back for Round 2.

RK: I wouldn't count on it.

(the four men walk away with smirks)

COL. NEWMAN: RK, are you alright?

RK: Yeah, I'm fine.

BUSTER: Dude, they just destroyed your car.

RK: It's cool. I can always buy another one. But I haven't even owned it for six months. And my P-Star _Welcome to My Show _album was in there.

BUSTER: You want to nail her so much, don't you?

RK: Yes. That's not even a (bleep) question!

COL. NEWMAN: You guys feel like taking the plane?

(imitating Dean Ambrose) BUSTER AND RK: Nope.

(extremely long pause, about 30 seconds)

COL. NEWMAN: OK.

BUSTER: I know what we can do.

(The three do what they did yesterday, with the exact same song. The three also play _Dance Dance Revolution _at Chuck E. Cheese's using "Girls Talkin' Bout" by Mindless Behavior. The three are in the exact same spot hours later. They know they've wasted a lot of time.)

RK: We just spent six hours not planning ANYTHING?

BUSTER: You know RK, you should expect this behavior out of me. But Dad, come on.

COL. NEWMAN: What was so wrong about the plane?

BUSTER: I hate planes. They only give you a few channels on the in-flight TV, they show music videos for rap artists on the big screen above all the passengers, and their pasta is terrible. (holds his stomach) I can never eat airplane food again.

RK: Yeah, now I know why people make jokes. Besides, the little seat HURTS MY BOTTOM! (slaps his ass three times for no apparent reason)

COL. NEWMAN: Well, how are we supposed to get home for Christmas?

SNOW DOG #1: Hey.

(Buster, RK, and Col. Newman turn around to acknowledge the snow dog)

SNOW DOG #1: You guys need a lift?

(the three just stare at each other, unsure whether to accept the gesture or not)

SCENE 20

The Santos Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(The lights are off at Manny's house. He's apparently gearing up for Santa.)

WILL: Manny? Manny, you in there? (picks lock using duck bone) And RK thinks I don't have the knack. Manny, you want to come with my family for Christmas caroling?

(Will falls straight into rope trap)

WILL: Damn. This is just like that _Roots _dream I had last night. Except Alex Haley's not here for the sodomy.

MANNY: Hello, Santa. You've come early.

(Manny has a devious look on his face, but that instantly changes when he sees Will)

MANNY: Will? Stop playing around and get out of the rope trap! I'm saving it for Santa.

WILL: What the hell are you talking about?

MANNY: Santa Claus is a bloodthirsty killer, who preys on kids who see him in their house. He and his reindeer take steroids, so that's why he can do all that magic shit. It's like a never-ending bachata concert!

WILL: Manny, Santa Claus isn't real. We told you that already! And why would he be a bloodthirsty killer?

MANNY: Travis told me. He found out on _3-2-1 Contact_.

WILL: Manny, Travis is a douchebag that fools people all the time. And _3-2-1 Contact _never taught anything like that!

MANNY: Oh. So Santa doesn't exist.

WILL: NO! He's just a symbol for kids to believe in until they're old enough to know the truth.

MANNY: But why do kids get cheated like that? And what's the point of Christmas if Santa Claus isn't real?

WILL: That's the point of Christmas. Santa teaches kids about giving and spirit. He's real, but in our imagination. In our hearts. Like the Tooth Fairy encouraging kids to have good dental hygiene, or the Easter Bunny encouraging kids to remember Jesus.

MANNY: I never thought of it like that. Thanks, Will.

WILL: No problem, buddy. Now could you please get me out? I'm going to pass out in like, two minutes.

MANNY: No problem, buddy.

(Manny takes a pair of scissors and cuts the rope, causing Will to crash on the floor)

WILL: Somebody….call my momma.

BRODUS CLAY: Did somebody call the Funkasaurus and his Funkadactyls?

MANNY: Go away, Brodus.

BRODUS CLAY: OK, fine, screw you. I'm out.

(Brodus Clay leaves)

SCENE 21

Marriott Hotel

Exterior Entrance

Calgary, Alberta, Canada

BUSTER: Wait, so you guys are talking snow dogs?

SNOW DOG #1: Yes. Yes we are. There was a spell put on snow dogs hundreds of years ago that gave us the ability to speak. Balto just didn't want to communicate with humans.

BUSTER: Great, because I know a dumpster with the same problem!

RK: Where did you two come from?

SNOW DOG #2: The guy using us made landing here, insulted us, and took off. Ever since then, we haven't seen him.

SNOW DOG #1: We've been here for six hours.

COL. NEWMAN: So you guys can actually take us to Seattle?

SNOW DOG #2: Anywhere you want. Except Iceland. It doesn't make sense! There's no ice at all, just green in it! And Greenland has ice all over it! Who came up with…..

SNOW DOG #1: Paul, calm down before your veins pop out again.

SNOW DOG #2: OK, Steve.

RK: When can you take us?

SNOW DOG #1: Whenever you're ready.

SNOW DOG #2: We should warn you we've only been doing this for eight months, so our flying skills aren't that developed yet.

BUSTER: That's OK. As long as you can take us to Seattle.

RK: Hold up a minute! I want to go home, but in one piece. There is no way I'm going in that dog sleigh with talking animals!

(minutes later)

RK: I can't believe I'm in this dog sleigh with talking animals.

SNOW DOG #1: You get used to it after a while.

SNOW DOG #2: OK, we're going to get a running start and then we'll be in the sky. Seattle is about 45 minutes away.

COL. NEWMAN: Amazing. I wonder what I'll do when I see Laura.

BUSTER: I wonder if I'll get yelled at.

RK: I wonder if Buster will give me a mistletoe kiss.

(Buster and Col. Newman simply stare at RK. Even the snow dogs take notice of what was just said.)

RK: What? (pause) He might.

SNOW DOG #1: OK, leggo!

(the dogs start running)

RK: I can't believe this is life. I'm actually a part of this. I might get killed by these near-sighted dogs! Fake-ass reindeer. I wonder if Santa had to deal with this. (snow dogs are now flying at top-speed) Hey, look, they're flying now. What IS this, some kind of magic act?

(The speed propels RK off his seat and onto the back of the sleigh. He forgot to buckle in and is now hanging on for dear life.)

("Jingle Bells" by Drake Bell playing in the background)

RK: AAAAAAHHHH! REAL MONSTERS! AAAAAAHHHHH!

COL. NEWMAN: RK, get in the sleigh!

RK: I can't, you DOLT! I'm not even properly buckled in!

BUSTER: This is EXACTLY what Smokey The Bear preached.

RK: That dumb-ass bear preached about FOREST FIRES, BUSTER!

COL. NEWMAN: OK, we'll pull you in and buckle you in. Grab my hand.

(RK, hanging on to the sleigh with his other hand, attaches to Col. Newman with his free hand. He is then pulled into the sleigh and immediately buckled in.

COL. NEWMAN: Safety first, RK. Remember that.

RK: Ho-ho-ho! That was funny.

SNOW DOG #2: Press the button of the Terrific Turbo Trooper Toy T-Bot Team. It turns on the sleigh cover.

BUSTER: Head action NOW!

(Buster does exactly that)

SNOW DOG #1: There. Now no one will be thrown out.

We see the MacDougal household. Everyone's there.

KG: RK just called them. They'll be in Seattle in less than 10 minutes.

MRS. NEWMAN: Oh my God. I'm so scared.

MRS. JENNINGS: It's OK, Laura. Buster's going to be fine.

MRS. NEWMAN: It's not just him. It's also Rusty. If I see him, what's going to happen?

SPARKY: I bet they had some awesome Christmas adventure, like on TV.

WADE: Bet.

We see the sleigh. The three are now in Seattle, but haven't reached Sparky's house yet.

SNOW DOG #2: We're reaching maximum speed!

SNOW DOG #1: GET READY!

RK: THIS isn't maximum speed?!

SNOW DOG #2: No. This is. WATCH!

(The dogs reach maximum speed, since they're approaching Sparky's house. The faces of Buster, RK, and Col. Newman look mangled now because of the speed.)

BUSTER: Madonna…..still looks attractive at 54.

RK: Dude…that's nasty.

COL. NEWMAN: I might…have to agree…..with Buster on that.

SNOW DOG #1: Here we go!

(the sleigh makes landing on Sparky's front lawn)

SNOW DOG #2: Nice place your friend Sparky has.

(all three get out of the sleigh, woozy)

(slurred) RK: We're here. But it was a bad idea from the start, and I'll keep on saying it.

(slurred) BUSTER: No boubt adout it.

(normal) COL. NEWMAN: Guys, you can stop talking like that. The landing didn't change our voices.

RK: Oh, well then. Must've been psychosomatic.

COL. NEWMAN: Thanks guys for the ride.

SNOW DOG #1: Any time. It was nice to meet you. Well, we have to get back to Canada. Plenty of people need a stupid joyride.

SNOW DOG #2: And after we get back home to Toronto, we'll probably harass Mexicans at the movie theater.

BUSTER: Nice racist joke.

SNOW DOG #1: He wasn't joking.

(the dogs fly away, and then say something in Spanish)

SNOW DOGS: Bye! _Vete a la mierda gilipollas!_

RK: What the hell did they just say?

(surprised) COL. NEWMAN: They said (bleep) you, assholes.

BUSTER: Dad, you speak Spanish?

COL. NEWMAN: Some of it.

(the three go inside)

(everybody yells in joy)

KG: RK! My brother!

RK: BROTHER-MAN!

KG: SHACKA-BROTHER!

(the two do their world-famous Jennings Handshake)

BUSTER: Mom, this is Colonel Rusty Newman. Dad.

MRS. NEWMAN: Rusty.

COL. NEWMAN: Laura.

(the two embrace each other)

MRS. NEWMAN: Look, Rusty, about the report…..

COL. NEWMAN: Laura, it's fine. I know you weren't thinking straight when you reported abuse.

(smirking) RK: Hey, Col. Newman?

COL. NEWMAN: Not this again, RK.

RK: Looks like all dogs DON'T GO TO HEAVEN! (RK laughs extremely hard)

(Buster punches RK again, and this time it takes him a while for him to get up)

SPARKY: Pretty dense abuse jokes.

WADE: VERY dense.

MRS. NEWMAN: Rusty, seeing you tonight, made me realize I'm still in love with you.

COL. NEWMAN: Me too, Laura. But, maybe we should take it one step at a time. How about becoming friends again?

MRS. NEWMAN: I'd love that, Colonel.

(the two kiss and Buster smiles)

MR. MACDOUGAL: Anybody want to watch the Hawaii Bowl?

(Wade and all the women except for Mrs. MacDougal leave the room)

KG: SMU, get ready for a smack-down.

RK: Says you, Fresno State kiss-up.

SPARKY: Welcome back, buddy.

BUSTER: It's good to be back, buddy.

(the two do that retard handshake Dylan and Cole Sprouse used to do on _The Suite Life of Zack and Cody_)

RK: I always hated that handshake.

KG: My friends would STOMP you if you did that around them.

(the boys, the men, and Mrs. MacDougal settle in to enjoy the game)

("All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Big Time Rush featuring Miranda Cosgrove playing in the background)

(It is Christmas morning. A montage is shown of the boys and their holiday experiences. Sparky bought himself a skateboard, and he's hugging it like his parents got it for him. He also got a new writer's notebook, green Adidas pants, and $1,750 worth of plane tickets to New York City. Sparky's dream of going to Times Square for New Year's Eve might finally materialize. Bitch Clock got a golden handgun, and uses it to shoot through the window, breaking it. Sparky snarls at Bitch Clock and chokes him. At Wade's house, Wade got _The Big Book of Facts: Volume VII_, and Run-DMC's _Tougher Than Leather _album. At the Jennings household, KG got a new silver guitar and matching pick. RK got the _CM Punk: Best In The World _DVD on Blu-Ray. And at Buster's house, Buster got that Slurpee machine, a Mountain Dew Distortion (you don't know how much that flavor is limited) and Taylor Swift's _Red _album. Buster's parents are talking over coffee in the kitchen and having a great time. Buster can't help but beam.)

A few hours later, we see Sparky get out of his house and face the camera.

(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: Happy holidays, everybody! (crash) BUSTER!

BUSTER: Sorry, this machine is very sensitive.

(Sparky does a facepalm, and closes the door)

EPILOGUE

(The four boys are sitting in a den near a fireplace, wearing God-awful holiday sweaters)

SPARKY: From our family to your family…

RK: We'd just like to say, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

WADE: Peace, love, and joy…

BUSTER: Wherever you may be.

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Have a good one! (they all wave to the camera)

WADE: WAIT! STOP!

SPARKY: What is it, Wade?

WADE: We're not being inclusive. And we're going to come back in two weeks.

RK: Damn, you're right!

BUSTER: Let's just do it again.

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Happy holidays and see YOU in two weeks! (they all wave to the camera again)

("Bring The Noise" by Anthrax featuring Public Enemy playing in the end credits)

©2012 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

IN MEMORIAM OF THE SANDY HOOK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL VICTIMS

BLESS THEIR SOULS


	3. A Thank You, Heavenly Christmas Sign Off

Well, I've got a whole crapload of things to say. Before I begin, I want to wish everybody who tuned in a happy holiday. It doesn't matter what you celebrate. As long as you're doing it with peace, love, and joy. OK, now I'm ready to begin:

-There were two deleted scenes in this episode. In one, RK chooses what costume he should wear when confronting Buster. Eventually, he decides on the Mysterion costume, with "My Prerogative" by Bobby Brown playing in the background. During this scene RK goes through at least 20 costumes, including Carly Foulkes' "Alter Ego" biker gear. In a second deleted scene, RK and Buster are listening to a throwback pop radio station in the car when "Dirty Pop (Pop)" by *NSYNC starts playing. The two sing along to the lyrics. Unfortunately, these scenes were deleted because of time constraints.

-It was a thrill to have all these guest stars on the episode. I think The Jonas Brothers and Paulsen were my favorites. They really got into it the most.

-It may not mean much to some people, but "A Thank You, Heavenly Christmas" was dedicated to the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting. Yesterday, in Newtown, Connecticut, a 20-year-old man named Adam Lanza shot and killed his mother. Lanza took his mother's car to the school, somehow got inside and shot 26 people to death (20 of them were children). Lanza then committed suicide. All the children killed in the shooting were either six or seven years old. This is disgusting to me. Columbine, Virginia Tech, Aurora, and now this. Hopefully someone does something to make guns illegal because way too many souls are being killed for no reason. And to add to that, a football player killed his girlfriend and then himself. Someone needs to stop this murder. NOW.

-If you do not like Christmas, or the holidays in general, this isn't the episode for you. This one had yuletide written all over it.

-For those who were confused by it, RK's jokes were referencing the child abuse-death of Judith Barsi, and the domestic abuse of LaToya Jackson. Clearly I don't think the jokes are funny. That's just how RK is. Even if I was a malicious person like that, I'd just find the jokes clever and not very funny. Too dense anyway.

-The scene where Col. Newman asks Buster and RK if they want to take the plane home and decline is a reference to the interview Michael Cole had with The Shield on _WWE Monday Night RAW_ just recently.

-Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez got back together twelve days after they broke up because Bieber begged her for forgiveness. I didn't know so that's an error on my part. I'll still keep the scene intact because it's funny to me. (12/26/12)

-The scene with Sparky and the boys 60 years older originally ended with Sparky committing suicide by shooting himself in the head. After the Sandy Hook shootings, I started to think that was inappropriate, so it was changed.

-Popular science-related children's television shows _3-2-1 Contact _and _Bill Nye the Science Guy _were given shout-outs in this episode as a tribute to them. Ironically, they both aired on PBS.

-The breakfast scene with RK, Buster, and the sausage was a double entendre.

Well, do I have anything else to say? Nope, nothing. In two weeks, Thank You, Heavenly will return to TV with "Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013." In this episode, Sparky plans to fly to New York City for New Year's Eve, which has been his dream since December 31, 2011. After Buster warns him about celebrating New Year's in Times Square, Sparky decides to teach his best friend a lesson by taking him hostage and ringing in the New Year with him. Also, RK hasn't completed his holiday assignments yet, creating a major ego dilemma. And Wade tries to convince KG to uphold the boys' tradition of watching _New Year's Rockin' Eve_, despite the death of longtime host Dick Clark. Chaos and hilarity will ensue on the New Year's edition of _Thank You, Heavenly_ on December 30. I guarantee you will NOT be disappointed!

"Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings."

Christmas words of wisdom, my friends.


End file.
